Hi

Hi Guys sorry I've dissapared off the planet.

Hope you've all had a good christmas.

Thanks for all your emails of concern they're really appreciated. I'm in a better place in my head at the moment, its still a tip, but im just managing it a little better. Theres a couple of posts I've written but decided not to publish yet (or a may not ever lol).

So yeh, just a quick post to say thanks for your concern. I'll email all of you back who have mailed me directly.

Peace.

Cracking

I’m slowly cracking, I can’t take the loneliness any more, I’m struggling the friction between me and Mr C, I can’t take the boredom of work anymore, and I don’t know what to do. As I was having my shower this morning I just broke down, it all got too much. There’s something amazingly purifying about balling your eyes out in the shower. I knelt down in the shower tray crying and said “Jesus, I’m broken; it’s your turn now”.

My whole friends issue is becoming a big problem that I’m finding hard to sort out. Imagine it’s like the Job market at the moment, if there where jobs out there I would apply for them, but there aren’t any. In the same that if there where any opportunities to make friends I would jump on them. But like the job market there aren’t any. And so, like a job seeker, I have this feeling of complete and utter helplessness and that I’m out of my depth in life. I’m trying to make opportunities but I have very few feeds in:-


House mates:- Well one of them has no social skills at all, and we wouldn’t really get on. The other two are in completely different social circles to me and have already busy lives.

Sarah:- Has been a potential place of connection, I’ve been out to a few things with her, and I really get on with Sarah, but I sometimes struggle to connect with her friends.

Joe:- Was a great start, living with him had a good opportunity to get going. I got on with his friends in London (and me a Joe have been friends since age 12). But then he moved out and up north it sort of killed it completely.

Mr C;- I get on with his friends fine, we had a wicked night out on Friday, but I can’t help but feel I’m invading his personal space.

Work:- Is a dead end, they all live outside the city, have nutty commutes into work, and are at completely different life stages to me (married, kids, grand kids etc)

Church:- on the face of it they’re welcoming, but its never followed through.

So you can probably see my predicament.

And here is my plan of action 1. Change church. 2. Move house. I got all your messages about volunteering and I’m looking into it, thanks for the tip.

The last thing I want to say is much that there is friction between me and Mr C I still love him, And I’m praying like mad to God that he’s gna pull us through this. So is PD and various other people (and if you lot could pray it would be great). We have such a connection, and when we’re together its great, its when we’re apart that I fall apart. It’s my problem and I need to sort it out.

Hoobastank - The reason - for Mr C

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Anxious

Me and Mr C had a bit of a big conversation last night over dinner about work-sociallife-relationship balance and what it could look like. To be honest im a little anxious (but then I get anxious about most things) about what was said. Part of the problem is I don’t know when I’m being unreasonable. How would you guys prioritise work over a relationship, where’s the sensible cut off, should there be any variability or is it clean cut.
The way the conversation flowed I just felt stupid, but at what point does a relationship just turn into an existence. I know there will be times when either of us is away for a couple of weeks on a job or something, but when that turns into months how long do you let go for.

I find it really funny; normally I’m really good at articulating what im saying. But when under pressure I just sort of clam up and loose my confidence like last night.

I love him so much, and I’m not letting go at all, we’re just going through that thing 6 months in where you properly bed in a understand each other and how I need to change. It’s just conversations like last night sometimes make me think “oh my gosh, what have I got myself into” but then I look at him and know I’ve made the right choice, he’s the most adorable guy in the world.

What I need to learn is that we work in very different industries, mine I can walk away from at 5pm (more like 6 lol), his you can’t (he works in TV and media stuff). So when our evenings are interrupted by work I need to be more understanding, he can’t just drop everything for me; he has to earn a living.

Again, a lot of this rattles back to London life and my lack of one and therefore piling pressure on him, its not fair of me to do that to him.

Ideas

Ok, so I know theres probably no readers out there cause my blogging regularity has gone down the drain. But I’m blogging to ask for ideas of how to make friends in London, any ideas just post a comment.

I hate london

(I know I havn't posted in ages, long story)

I hate london, it's really lonely, and, unless you went to uni here, its really hard to make friends. I have loads of mates here, but friends are another issue.

And its really starting to impact on me and Mr C cause I'm being over needy trying to compensate for it.

So I'm seriously coming to the idea of ditching my contract and moving back to bristol. There are 2 problems with this. 1. It will make me and Mr C impossible. 2. There is no work in the contracting market (due to the crunch) and there finding work is impossible.

So I suppose im stuck here. SHIT.

I'm just slowley going out of my mind here.


It also doesn't help that me and Mr C work odd hours to eachother (and he gets called last minute for jobs) again, neither of our faults its just shitty life. And so when he has to ditch on me in bristol I would normally go and see a friend and chill or something, but here there's no one.

I’ve been a bit of a dick.

In my last post I sort of lambasted my BF slightly unfairly. Well very unfairly. We spoke about it last night, and the more we spoke, the more I realised that I was pretty much wholly unfair.
The more I look at it the more I realise it was either no ones fault or mine, ie him being hospital and me coming out on my own at the same time as a combination didn’t help; him being in hospital was no ones fault and me coming is my fault cause I could have chosen my timing better.
As for me always crossing town, to be fair to him what I didn’t say was when we started I said dating it was going to be hard for him to come to mine cause I wasn’t sure as a couple how welcome we would be in my house hold, again not his fault.
So I think the summary is that 80% of my last post was unfair to him and I do want to apologise to him.
What I also started to understand from the conversation is that I’m almost (completely unfairly on him) diverting the fact that im really really lonely in London on to him, and trying to use him to make up for it, i.e. being completely over needy cause I have no one to speak to.

So theres my self-realisation.
Sorry Mr C I love you.

And the last couple of days he’s been completely adorable and understanding.
And on an exciting note, we’re escaping to newyork for the weekend (next weekend) which I’m sooooooo excited about.