Hi

Hi Guys sorry I've dissapared off the planet.

Hope you've all had a good christmas.

Thanks for all your emails of concern they're really appreciated. I'm in a better place in my head at the moment, its still a tip, but im just managing it a little better. Theres a couple of posts I've written but decided not to publish yet (or a may not ever lol).

So yeh, just a quick post to say thanks for your concern. I'll email all of you back who have mailed me directly.

Peace.

Cracking

I’m slowly cracking, I can’t take the loneliness any more, I’m struggling the friction between me and Mr C, I can’t take the boredom of work anymore, and I don’t know what to do. As I was having my shower this morning I just broke down, it all got too much. There’s something amazingly purifying about balling your eyes out in the shower. I knelt down in the shower tray crying and said “Jesus, I’m broken; it’s your turn now”.

My whole friends issue is becoming a big problem that I’m finding hard to sort out. Imagine it’s like the Job market at the moment, if there where jobs out there I would apply for them, but there aren’t any. In the same that if there where any opportunities to make friends I would jump on them. But like the job market there aren’t any. And so, like a job seeker, I have this feeling of complete and utter helplessness and that I’m out of my depth in life. I’m trying to make opportunities but I have very few feeds in:-


House mates:- Well one of them has no social skills at all, and we wouldn’t really get on. The other two are in completely different social circles to me and have already busy lives.

Sarah:- Has been a potential place of connection, I’ve been out to a few things with her, and I really get on with Sarah, but I sometimes struggle to connect with her friends.

Joe:- Was a great start, living with him had a good opportunity to get going. I got on with his friends in London (and me a Joe have been friends since age 12). But then he moved out and up north it sort of killed it completely.

Mr C;- I get on with his friends fine, we had a wicked night out on Friday, but I can’t help but feel I’m invading his personal space.

Work:- Is a dead end, they all live outside the city, have nutty commutes into work, and are at completely different life stages to me (married, kids, grand kids etc)

Church:- on the face of it they’re welcoming, but its never followed through.

So you can probably see my predicament.

And here is my plan of action 1. Change church. 2. Move house. I got all your messages about volunteering and I’m looking into it, thanks for the tip.

The last thing I want to say is much that there is friction between me and Mr C I still love him, And I’m praying like mad to God that he’s gna pull us through this. So is PD and various other people (and if you lot could pray it would be great). We have such a connection, and when we’re together its great, its when we’re apart that I fall apart. It’s my problem and I need to sort it out.

Hoobastank - The reason - for Mr C

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Anxious

Me and Mr C had a bit of a big conversation last night over dinner about work-sociallife-relationship balance and what it could look like. To be honest im a little anxious (but then I get anxious about most things) about what was said. Part of the problem is I don’t know when I’m being unreasonable. How would you guys prioritise work over a relationship, where’s the sensible cut off, should there be any variability or is it clean cut.
The way the conversation flowed I just felt stupid, but at what point does a relationship just turn into an existence. I know there will be times when either of us is away for a couple of weeks on a job or something, but when that turns into months how long do you let go for.

I find it really funny; normally I’m really good at articulating what im saying. But when under pressure I just sort of clam up and loose my confidence like last night.

I love him so much, and I’m not letting go at all, we’re just going through that thing 6 months in where you properly bed in a understand each other and how I need to change. It’s just conversations like last night sometimes make me think “oh my gosh, what have I got myself into” but then I look at him and know I’ve made the right choice, he’s the most adorable guy in the world.

What I need to learn is that we work in very different industries, mine I can walk away from at 5pm (more like 6 lol), his you can’t (he works in TV and media stuff). So when our evenings are interrupted by work I need to be more understanding, he can’t just drop everything for me; he has to earn a living.

Again, a lot of this rattles back to London life and my lack of one and therefore piling pressure on him, its not fair of me to do that to him.

Ideas

Ok, so I know theres probably no readers out there cause my blogging regularity has gone down the drain. But I’m blogging to ask for ideas of how to make friends in London, any ideas just post a comment.

I hate london

(I know I havn't posted in ages, long story)

I hate london, it's really lonely, and, unless you went to uni here, its really hard to make friends. I have loads of mates here, but friends are another issue.

And its really starting to impact on me and Mr C cause I'm being over needy trying to compensate for it.

So I'm seriously coming to the idea of ditching my contract and moving back to bristol. There are 2 problems with this. 1. It will make me and Mr C impossible. 2. There is no work in the contracting market (due to the crunch) and there finding work is impossible.

So I suppose im stuck here. SHIT.

I'm just slowley going out of my mind here.


It also doesn't help that me and Mr C work odd hours to eachother (and he gets called last minute for jobs) again, neither of our faults its just shitty life. And so when he has to ditch on me in bristol I would normally go and see a friend and chill or something, but here there's no one.

I’ve been a bit of a dick.

In my last post I sort of lambasted my BF slightly unfairly. Well very unfairly. We spoke about it last night, and the more we spoke, the more I realised that I was pretty much wholly unfair.
The more I look at it the more I realise it was either no ones fault or mine, ie him being hospital and me coming out on my own at the same time as a combination didn’t help; him being in hospital was no ones fault and me coming is my fault cause I could have chosen my timing better.
As for me always crossing town, to be fair to him what I didn’t say was when we started I said dating it was going to be hard for him to come to mine cause I wasn’t sure as a couple how welcome we would be in my house hold, again not his fault.
So I think the summary is that 80% of my last post was unfair to him and I do want to apologise to him.
What I also started to understand from the conversation is that I’m almost (completely unfairly on him) diverting the fact that im really really lonely in London on to him, and trying to use him to make up for it, i.e. being completely over needy cause I have no one to speak to.

So theres my self-realisation.
Sorry Mr C I love you.

And the last couple of days he’s been completely adorable and understanding.
And on an exciting note, we’re escaping to newyork for the weekend (next weekend) which I’m sooooooo excited about.

Big Update

So there are 5 points.

One on Canada and being sick.
One on my mental state
One about me and Mr C.
One about coming out to 2 of my best friends.
One about work



Canada and Sickness,

Weekend before last (30 Oct – 3 Nov) I went to Canada to catch up with PD and also Steph was in Canada travelling so we all met up.
I had an amazing time until Sunday evening-Monday morning where I picked up flue an wasn’t very well.
Over the weekend we sore Edmonton, drove up to Jasper. It was stunning I’ll put some pictures on the blog when I get a chance.
When I got back to the UK on Tuesday I was really ill and had to take the rest of the week off, go back to Bristol and be looked after by my mum.




Mental State

Now I’m a little scared of myself at the moment. I’m not completely sure I’m in control of myself and I sort of feel like I’m having a breakdown and only just realised.

Reasons why:-

-I’m seriously paranoid about everything at the moment; about my BF, about work, about my parents.
-I’m having panic attacks, one every other day.
-I’m fighting with myself in my head about nothing.
-I’m escaping to the extream; I’ve been to Paris, Germany, Canada and New-York in like 8 weeks.
-I’m talking to myself.
-I’m really flat and strike out against the smallest thing that’s gone wrong.

So that’s my mental state. I’ve asked a couple of friends and Mr C to keep an eye on me.




(the first part of this bit was written the other week hence the however)
Mr C.
(I know he’s gna read this and probably be steaming but there you go, this is my outlet)

I don’t really know where to start on this; things are great and shit at the same time. And I think I’m starting to understand why.

Things are mostly great when we’re together, there’s a real connection a real love, we cuddle and kiss etc and it feels great.
But when we’re not in the same space it all sort of falls apart. Part of the problem is understanding the difference between my neediness (and mental state) and the actual problems with us.
There’s a couple of core issues on which I shall expand.
From my side (and again im sure this is pure subjective) I feel like I’m always making the effort. I’m the one always crossing town, I’m the one always make the first phone call, I’m the one pushing to get time together. It almost feels like he doesn’t want/need time together. In text messages and phone call he say I love you and really looking forward to seeing you, but words and doing are very separate, words are nice, doing is evidence. It’s the age old action speaks louder than words.
Now this is where, even I know, I'm getting a little nuts; when he was ill, nearly every other day I crossed London to the hospital where he was to just be with him give him some company cause I loved him, but at the moment with my mental fallout he hasn’t done the same, he hardly even phones to see how I am, its always me that phones first to chat. To be absolutely brutally honest I don’t see what I’m getting from this relationship apart from a bit of physical affection every now and then and, what is feel like, increasing empty words. In return I’m chasing him, financially supporting him but I completely adore him. And this is one of the biggest things that is confusing me, I shouldn’t love him, not with the way things are, but I do, I really really do.
Now I understand he’s broke, but you don’t need money to show love, the odd phone call, text or email that comes without any prompting, it makes a world of difference.

HOWEVER

The last couple of days he has been great; its getting better. This morning he was the first to call just to say good morning, it made me feel wanted, special. Inside I know he’s a great guy and he’s going threw a really really rough patch, I’m not just going to walk away from this, I’m fighting for it, but there’s only so much fighting you can do before you burnt out.
I love him, when things are great they’re amazing and that what we need to work towards. The other night we went out for dinner and it was really special, we walked and looked out over the south bank of the Thames just taking in life. We went to a quite bar and had a few drinks talking about few deep bits and bobs. And when we went back to his, we cuddle up by candle light chatting (and stuff), we feel asleep in each others arms, flames flickering in the back ground. When I woke up at 6am the next morning to go to work it was still dark with just the candles lighting the room, it was gorgeous, he looked so peaceful sleeping there (I just wanted to stay there). That’s what a romantic evening is in my books.
So giving it time is a key thing (which im shit at lol).






Coming out

I came out to 2 of my best friends last weekend. It went really well so thank you Jesus for that.






Work

Tomorrow I find out if I loose my job, it is directly connected with the election results, so much that I’m overjoyed that Obama has won, he may have cost me my job, but there you go.




Sooooooo Prayer requests.
1. A job for the BF (Mr C). He really needs a job and his industry has dried up.
2. My job. That I get a bit of stability.
3. My relationship. Just pray that things would stabilise a bit and that I would relax a little more.
4. My state of mind. That I would get a bit of peace in my head.

Hi

Soz I aint blogger for a week. I was away for the weekend in canada and picked up a bug whilst I was out there so wasn't at work all week. I ended up going back to bristol to have a bit of TLC by my rents (parents).

I've also had alot on my mind the last week, also had a bit of a thing with Mr C. So I'll unwrap all of that in my next few posts.

Exhausted

I've had a whole night of panic attacks and no sleep. I'm supposed to be going to canada today to see PD, but I feel sooo shit I can't be arsed to move

Running

this evening i feel like i just want to curl up and die. I'm emotionally out of gas.

My man is coming home

So after 3 weeks of waiting he’s coming home and I’m sooooooooo excited. I don’t know why, but I haven’t really blogged about just how much I miss him. And actually in hindsight, I should have waited for him to come back before coming out to my parents; it would had been sensible to have my support structure in the same city as me lol.

But I have dearly dearly missed him. It’s been hard for both of us but I think as a couple it’s made us stronger. I also think that this has proved that we’re not in the fluffy, smiley, everything’s glowing, Hollywood type of love. But we’re actually in real love, the one where you wade through shit together, the one where the easiest option is to runaway but you stay, the one where you’ll move planets for the other person just to make them smile, the one where you don’t score up brownie points, the one that’s selfless. And through our time apart that is what I’ve been clinging onto. My mind keeps on going back to the night before he was ill where we went out for dinner and were so happy, it was a really special night.

So my man is coming home YAY.

A meeting of the minds

A got a text on Friday from Blueyedboy saying he was coming through London and would I like to do coffee.
So on Sunday we met at waterloo and had a few beers and sent him on his way.

It was really cool to put a face to the name (and msn lol). This means I can confirm, no he’s not dead and yes, he will update his blog at some point :-P

The song mentioned 2 posts before

Boomp3.com

Closet bungy jumping

You know the way that you're shit scared of a roller-coaster but once you've ridden it the first time your just gagging for another run? That whats "comming out" has become to me. It's almost an addiction. Now that my parents are done it's like the worlds my oyster.

This weekend I'm on the verge of dealing with my best friends, which for me is a huge miles stone.


Some time people don't look outside the box. Let me expand. You don't see teenage boys going round having really heavy conversations with their parents saying " mum, dad, I've got something to tell you............I dont know how to say this.......I'm a heterosexual". LMAO. So why the hell did I have to go through all the stress of telling my rents that I was gay. Just a side thought.

We live in a world of predefined standards and, if we want to buck those we have to explain ourselves.
And for me, my bag-of-balls bucks all the trends in the book. Gay and christian. You may as well say I was born on the isle of sheppy LMAO.

Face the music and dance.

I'm writing this on the way back to Bristol on a very packed train.
I went to the pastors house this evening after work to talk about my role in the church and their stance on homosexuality etc etc.

Pastor Trev is what we're gna call him for the rest of the blog (or PT for short).
We chatted for quite sometime and ate dinner.



This is the conclusion of the discussion.
Now to be fair to him, he had done his research and read up alot after I said I was gna chat to him about it.


The first thing he was very clear about is that whether you're hetro or homo, sex outside of marriage is wrong. Which to be fair is my point of view.

The second was that we are all sinners and no-one has more of a right than someone else to lead etc as we are all sinners.

The third is that the bible dose not condone homosexuality.

Now 2 of these I agree with and the third not so. But there you go, agreeing to disagree is what I'm gna be doing with a lot of people. And this message wasn't at all delivered in a condemning way at all, it was delivered with love, compassion and humility.

The conclusion of all of this was to give it time, he had to work out where he stood on me being in the leadership, and when he does he needs to be very sure of himself so he can support me.

He was very clear that he had not made a decision yet.


So what do I take away from this. The first is that I'm fully welcome in this church, I can call it home and become part of a thriving congregation.
The second is that, if its gods will, then I will continue to be involved with, and potentially return to, leading worship.
So I'm just gna pray that God will be in this all and that his will is made clear. And that if God no longer wants to be a worship leader that I walk away with good memories and no bitterness in my heart.

So get praying chaps and chapets.

I think the song that somes it up for me is Surrender.
Click here to have a listen.

New York part 2

The flight left ontime but due to strong head winds arrived on hour late. After getting off the plane we were the flight left into Newark but it still took us an hour and a half to get through immigration. It was bollarks.

Now I don’t mean to offended my American readers (cause there’s quite a few of you) but I need to vent a little rant (don’t read it if you easily offend).
Why the hell cant you manage immigration queues properly, I thought heathrow was crap but Newark and JFK take it to a new level. It’s security paranoia and to be honest, I think in the states the terrorist have won. The reason I say this is that I had my bag and shoes scanned just to get on a ferry, what the hell is that about its paranoia on another level. My apologies if I offended anyone but land of the free my ass. (pop up to Canada and see how they do it)
Rant over.

We got out of Newark about 12:30am and jump into a cab to the hotel. It took us about an hour 30 to get there cause various tunnels where closed and our hotel was on Wall Street.
Checked in at about 2am and hit the sack.

Woke up really really early cause of the time zone thing and so had an early breakfast and headed down to the ferry to see the statue of liberty. (I’m not gna go on about the security checks). To be fair the statue looks wicked, you own the French big time :-P

I like it

7 days and counting

I forgot to say, its 7 days till Mr C finally comes home. I miss him sooooo sooooo soooo much.

New york new york- Part one

Well after a couple of pretty traumatic weeks I made a mad decision at 3pm on Friday afternoon, that me and my sis where gna go to newyork for the weekend. So I looked at flights and got a pair with Virgin Atlantic that evening for £300 each. I just booked them flying at 20:30 that evening. I rushed home from work at 16:10 packed like a nutter and booked a hotel room all in 10 mins……. and ran for the tube. In the mean time my sister was powering down the country from the midlands. We both hit the tube at about 5pm (except she was on the other side of London). The tube was packed all the way out to Heathrow. I was the first arrive at about 18:30 and I stood their waiting for half an hour, she finally surfaced at 19:00.
By this point it was turning a episode of “challenge Anoka “ (or Rat race for you yanks :-P ) running round the airport and getting stuck in security.

Eventually we boarded the plane and sat down. Suddenly the sense of realisation came over me and my sis, “we going to newyork” me and my sis started squealing LMAO (like a pair of 12 year old school girls)



Well that’s the end of part one.
I’ll write some more later.