Thursday, 13 November 2008

I’ve been a bit of a dick.

In my last post I sort of lambasted my BF slightly unfairly. Well very unfairly. We spoke about it last night, and the more we spoke, the more I realised that I was pretty much wholly unfair.
The more I look at it the more I realise it was either no ones fault or mine, ie him being hospital and me coming out on my own at the same time as a combination didn’t help; him being in hospital was no ones fault and me coming is my fault cause I could have chosen my timing better.
As for me always crossing town, to be fair to him what I didn’t say was when we started I said dating it was going to be hard for him to come to mine cause I wasn’t sure as a couple how welcome we would be in my house hold, again not his fault.
So I think the summary is that 80% of my last post was unfair to him and I do want to apologise to him.
What I also started to understand from the conversation is that I’m almost (completely unfairly on him) diverting the fact that im really really lonely in London on to him, and trying to use him to make up for it, i.e. being completely over needy cause I have no one to speak to.

So theres my self-realisation.
Sorry Mr C I love you.

And the last couple of days he’s been completely adorable and understanding.
And on an exciting note, we’re escaping to newyork for the weekend (next weekend) which I’m sooooooo excited about.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Big Update

So there are 5 points.

One on Canada and being sick.
One on my mental state
One about me and Mr C.
One about coming out to 2 of my best friends.
One about work

Canada and Sickness,

Weekend before last (30 Oct – 3 Nov) I went to Canada to catch up with PD and also Steph was in Canada travelling so we all met up.
I had an amazing time until Sunday evening-Monday morning where I picked up flue an wasn’t very well.
Over the weekend we sore Edmonton, drove up to Jasper. It was stunning I’ll put some pictures on the blog when I get a chance.
When I got back to the UK on Tuesday I was really ill and had to take the rest of the week off, go back to Bristol and be looked after by my mum.

Mental State

Now I’m a little scared of myself at the moment. I’m not completely sure I’m in control of myself and I sort of feel like I’m having a breakdown and only just realised.

Reasons why:-

-I’m seriously paranoid about everything at the moment; about my BF, about work, about my parents.
-I’m having panic attacks, one every other day.
-I’m fighting with myself in my head about nothing.
-I’m escaping to the extream; I’ve been to Paris, Germany, Canada and New-York in like 8 weeks.
-I’m talking to myself.
-I’m really flat and strike out against the smallest thing that’s gone wrong.

So that’s my mental state. I’ve asked a couple of friends and Mr C to keep an eye on me.

(the first part of this bit was written the other week hence the however)
Mr C.
(I know he’s gna read this and probably be steaming but there you go, this is my outlet)

I don’t really know where to start on this; things are great and shit at the same time. And I think I’m starting to understand why.

Things are mostly great when we’re together, there’s a real connection a real love, we cuddle and kiss etc and it feels great.
But when we’re not in the same space it all sort of falls apart. Part of the problem is understanding the difference between my neediness (and mental state) and the actual problems with us.
There’s a couple of core issues on which I shall expand.
From my side (and again im sure this is pure subjective) I feel like I’m always making the effort. I’m the one always crossing town, I’m the one always make the first phone call, I’m the one pushing to get time together. It almost feels like he doesn’t want/need time together. In text messages and phone call he say I love you and really looking forward to seeing you, but words and doing are very separate, words are nice, doing is evidence. It’s the age old action speaks louder than words.
Now this is where, even I know, I'm getting a little nuts; when he was ill, nearly every other day I crossed London to the hospital where he was to just be with him give him some company cause I loved him, but at the moment with my mental fallout he hasn’t done the same, he hardly even phones to see how I am, its always me that phones first to chat. To be absolutely brutally honest I don’t see what I’m getting from this relationship apart from a bit of physical affection every now and then and, what is feel like, increasing empty words. In return I’m chasing him, financially supporting him but I completely adore him. And this is one of the biggest things that is confusing me, I shouldn’t love him, not with the way things are, but I do, I really really do.
Now I understand he’s broke, but you don’t need money to show love, the odd phone call, text or email that comes without any prompting, it makes a world of difference.


The last couple of days he has been great; its getting better. This morning he was the first to call just to say good morning, it made me feel wanted, special. Inside I know he’s a great guy and he’s going threw a really really rough patch, I’m not just going to walk away from this, I’m fighting for it, but there’s only so much fighting you can do before you burnt out.
I love him, when things are great they’re amazing and that what we need to work towards. The other night we went out for dinner and it was really special, we walked and looked out over the south bank of the Thames just taking in life. We went to a quite bar and had a few drinks talking about few deep bits and bobs. And when we went back to his, we cuddle up by candle light chatting (and stuff), we feel asleep in each others arms, flames flickering in the back ground. When I woke up at 6am the next morning to go to work it was still dark with just the candles lighting the room, it was gorgeous, he looked so peaceful sleeping there (I just wanted to stay there). That’s what a romantic evening is in my books.
So giving it time is a key thing (which im shit at lol).

Coming out

I came out to 2 of my best friends last weekend. It went really well so thank you Jesus for that.


Tomorrow I find out if I loose my job, it is directly connected with the election results, so much that I’m overjoyed that Obama has won, he may have cost me my job, but there you go.

Sooooooo Prayer requests.
1. A job for the BF (Mr C). He really needs a job and his industry has dried up.
2. My job. That I get a bit of stability.
3. My relationship. Just pray that things would stabilise a bit and that I would relax a little more.
4. My state of mind. That I would get a bit of peace in my head.

Sunday, 9 November 2008


Soz I aint blogger for a week. I was away for the weekend in canada and picked up a bug whilst I was out there so wasn't at work all week. I ended up going back to bristol to have a bit of TLC by my rents (parents).

I've also had alot on my mind the last week, also had a bit of a thing with Mr C. So I'll unwrap all of that in my next few posts.