Friday, 26 December 2008

Hi

Hi Guys sorry I've dissapared off the planet.

Hope you've all had a good christmas.

Thanks for all your emails of concern they're really appreciated. I'm in a better place in my head at the moment, its still a tip, but im just managing it a little better. Theres a couple of posts I've written but decided not to publish yet (or a may not ever lol).

So yeh, just a quick post to say thanks for your concern. I'll email all of you back who have mailed me directly.

Peace.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Cracking

I’m slowly cracking, I can’t take the loneliness any more, I’m struggling the friction between me and Mr C, I can’t take the boredom of work anymore, and I don’t know what to do. As I was having my shower this morning I just broke down, it all got too much. There’s something amazingly purifying about balling your eyes out in the shower. I knelt down in the shower tray crying and said “Jesus, I’m broken; it’s your turn now”.

My whole friends issue is becoming a big problem that I’m finding hard to sort out. Imagine it’s like the Job market at the moment, if there where jobs out there I would apply for them, but there aren’t any. In the same that if there where any opportunities to make friends I would jump on them. But like the job market there aren’t any. And so, like a job seeker, I have this feeling of complete and utter helplessness and that I’m out of my depth in life. I’m trying to make opportunities but I have very few feeds in:-


House mates:- Well one of them has no social skills at all, and we wouldn’t really get on. The other two are in completely different social circles to me and have already busy lives.

Sarah:- Has been a potential place of connection, I’ve been out to a few things with her, and I really get on with Sarah, but I sometimes struggle to connect with her friends.

Joe:- Was a great start, living with him had a good opportunity to get going. I got on with his friends in London (and me a Joe have been friends since age 12). But then he moved out and up north it sort of killed it completely.

Mr C;- I get on with his friends fine, we had a wicked night out on Friday, but I can’t help but feel I’m invading his personal space.

Work:- Is a dead end, they all live outside the city, have nutty commutes into work, and are at completely different life stages to me (married, kids, grand kids etc)

Church:- on the face of it they’re welcoming, but its never followed through.

So you can probably see my predicament.

And here is my plan of action 1. Change church. 2. Move house. I got all your messages about volunteering and I’m looking into it, thanks for the tip.

The last thing I want to say is much that there is friction between me and Mr C I still love him, And I’m praying like mad to God that he’s gna pull us through this. So is PD and various other people (and if you lot could pray it would be great). We have such a connection, and when we’re together its great, its when we’re apart that I fall apart. It’s my problem and I need to sort it out.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Hoobastank - The reason - for Mr C

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Anxious

Me and Mr C had a bit of a big conversation last night over dinner about work-sociallife-relationship balance and what it could look like. To be honest im a little anxious (but then I get anxious about most things) about what was said. Part of the problem is I don’t know when I’m being unreasonable. How would you guys prioritise work over a relationship, where’s the sensible cut off, should there be any variability or is it clean cut.
The way the conversation flowed I just felt stupid, but at what point does a relationship just turn into an existence. I know there will be times when either of us is away for a couple of weeks on a job or something, but when that turns into months how long do you let go for.

I find it really funny; normally I’m really good at articulating what im saying. But when under pressure I just sort of clam up and loose my confidence like last night.

I love him so much, and I’m not letting go at all, we’re just going through that thing 6 months in where you properly bed in a understand each other and how I need to change. It’s just conversations like last night sometimes make me think “oh my gosh, what have I got myself into” but then I look at him and know I’ve made the right choice, he’s the most adorable guy in the world.

What I need to learn is that we work in very different industries, mine I can walk away from at 5pm (more like 6 lol), his you can’t (he works in TV and media stuff). So when our evenings are interrupted by work I need to be more understanding, he can’t just drop everything for me; he has to earn a living.

Again, a lot of this rattles back to London life and my lack of one and therefore piling pressure on him, its not fair of me to do that to him.

Ideas

Ok, so I know theres probably no readers out there cause my blogging regularity has gone down the drain. But I’m blogging to ask for ideas of how to make friends in London, any ideas just post a comment.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

I hate london

(I know I havn't posted in ages, long story)

I hate london, it's really lonely, and, unless you went to uni here, its really hard to make friends. I have loads of mates here, but friends are another issue.

And its really starting to impact on me and Mr C cause I'm being over needy trying to compensate for it.

So I'm seriously coming to the idea of ditching my contract and moving back to bristol. There are 2 problems with this. 1. It will make me and Mr C impossible. 2. There is no work in the contracting market (due to the crunch) and there finding work is impossible.

So I suppose im stuck here. SHIT.

I'm just slowley going out of my mind here.


It also doesn't help that me and Mr C work odd hours to eachother (and he gets called last minute for jobs) again, neither of our faults its just shitty life. And so when he has to ditch on me in bristol I would normally go and see a friend and chill or something, but here there's no one.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

I’ve been a bit of a dick.

In my last post I sort of lambasted my BF slightly unfairly. Well very unfairly. We spoke about it last night, and the more we spoke, the more I realised that I was pretty much wholly unfair.
The more I look at it the more I realise it was either no ones fault or mine, ie him being hospital and me coming out on my own at the same time as a combination didn’t help; him being in hospital was no ones fault and me coming is my fault cause I could have chosen my timing better.
As for me always crossing town, to be fair to him what I didn’t say was when we started I said dating it was going to be hard for him to come to mine cause I wasn’t sure as a couple how welcome we would be in my house hold, again not his fault.
So I think the summary is that 80% of my last post was unfair to him and I do want to apologise to him.
What I also started to understand from the conversation is that I’m almost (completely unfairly on him) diverting the fact that im really really lonely in London on to him, and trying to use him to make up for it, i.e. being completely over needy cause I have no one to speak to.

So theres my self-realisation.
Sorry Mr C I love you.

And the last couple of days he’s been completely adorable and understanding.
And on an exciting note, we’re escaping to newyork for the weekend (next weekend) which I’m sooooooo excited about.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Big Update

So there are 5 points.

One on Canada and being sick.
One on my mental state
One about me and Mr C.
One about coming out to 2 of my best friends.
One about work



Canada and Sickness,

Weekend before last (30 Oct – 3 Nov) I went to Canada to catch up with PD and also Steph was in Canada travelling so we all met up.
I had an amazing time until Sunday evening-Monday morning where I picked up flue an wasn’t very well.
Over the weekend we sore Edmonton, drove up to Jasper. It was stunning I’ll put some pictures on the blog when I get a chance.
When I got back to the UK on Tuesday I was really ill and had to take the rest of the week off, go back to Bristol and be looked after by my mum.




Mental State

Now I’m a little scared of myself at the moment. I’m not completely sure I’m in control of myself and I sort of feel like I’m having a breakdown and only just realised.

Reasons why:-

-I’m seriously paranoid about everything at the moment; about my BF, about work, about my parents.
-I’m having panic attacks, one every other day.
-I’m fighting with myself in my head about nothing.
-I’m escaping to the extream; I’ve been to Paris, Germany, Canada and New-York in like 8 weeks.
-I’m talking to myself.
-I’m really flat and strike out against the smallest thing that’s gone wrong.

So that’s my mental state. I’ve asked a couple of friends and Mr C to keep an eye on me.




(the first part of this bit was written the other week hence the however)
Mr C.
(I know he’s gna read this and probably be steaming but there you go, this is my outlet)

I don’t really know where to start on this; things are great and shit at the same time. And I think I’m starting to understand why.

Things are mostly great when we’re together, there’s a real connection a real love, we cuddle and kiss etc and it feels great.
But when we’re not in the same space it all sort of falls apart. Part of the problem is understanding the difference between my neediness (and mental state) and the actual problems with us.
There’s a couple of core issues on which I shall expand.
From my side (and again im sure this is pure subjective) I feel like I’m always making the effort. I’m the one always crossing town, I’m the one always make the first phone call, I’m the one pushing to get time together. It almost feels like he doesn’t want/need time together. In text messages and phone call he say I love you and really looking forward to seeing you, but words and doing are very separate, words are nice, doing is evidence. It’s the age old action speaks louder than words.
Now this is where, even I know, I'm getting a little nuts; when he was ill, nearly every other day I crossed London to the hospital where he was to just be with him give him some company cause I loved him, but at the moment with my mental fallout he hasn’t done the same, he hardly even phones to see how I am, its always me that phones first to chat. To be absolutely brutally honest I don’t see what I’m getting from this relationship apart from a bit of physical affection every now and then and, what is feel like, increasing empty words. In return I’m chasing him, financially supporting him but I completely adore him. And this is one of the biggest things that is confusing me, I shouldn’t love him, not with the way things are, but I do, I really really do.
Now I understand he’s broke, but you don’t need money to show love, the odd phone call, text or email that comes without any prompting, it makes a world of difference.

HOWEVER

The last couple of days he has been great; its getting better. This morning he was the first to call just to say good morning, it made me feel wanted, special. Inside I know he’s a great guy and he’s going threw a really really rough patch, I’m not just going to walk away from this, I’m fighting for it, but there’s only so much fighting you can do before you burnt out.
I love him, when things are great they’re amazing and that what we need to work towards. The other night we went out for dinner and it was really special, we walked and looked out over the south bank of the Thames just taking in life. We went to a quite bar and had a few drinks talking about few deep bits and bobs. And when we went back to his, we cuddle up by candle light chatting (and stuff), we feel asleep in each others arms, flames flickering in the back ground. When I woke up at 6am the next morning to go to work it was still dark with just the candles lighting the room, it was gorgeous, he looked so peaceful sleeping there (I just wanted to stay there). That’s what a romantic evening is in my books.
So giving it time is a key thing (which im shit at lol).






Coming out

I came out to 2 of my best friends last weekend. It went really well so thank you Jesus for that.






Work

Tomorrow I find out if I loose my job, it is directly connected with the election results, so much that I’m overjoyed that Obama has won, he may have cost me my job, but there you go.




Sooooooo Prayer requests.
1. A job for the BF (Mr C). He really needs a job and his industry has dried up.
2. My job. That I get a bit of stability.
3. My relationship. Just pray that things would stabilise a bit and that I would relax a little more.
4. My state of mind. That I would get a bit of peace in my head.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Hi

Soz I aint blogger for a week. I was away for the weekend in canada and picked up a bug whilst I was out there so wasn't at work all week. I ended up going back to bristol to have a bit of TLC by my rents (parents).

I've also had alot on my mind the last week, also had a bit of a thing with Mr C. So I'll unwrap all of that in my next few posts.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Exhausted

I've had a whole night of panic attacks and no sleep. I'm supposed to be going to canada today to see PD, but I feel sooo shit I can't be arsed to move



Running

this evening i feel like i just want to curl up and die. I'm emotionally out of gas.

Monday, 27 October 2008

My man is coming home

So after 3 weeks of waiting he’s coming home and I’m sooooooooo excited. I don’t know why, but I haven’t really blogged about just how much I miss him. And actually in hindsight, I should have waited for him to come back before coming out to my parents; it would had been sensible to have my support structure in the same city as me lol.

But I have dearly dearly missed him. It’s been hard for both of us but I think as a couple it’s made us stronger. I also think that this has proved that we’re not in the fluffy, smiley, everything’s glowing, Hollywood type of love. But we’re actually in real love, the one where you wade through shit together, the one where the easiest option is to runaway but you stay, the one where you’ll move planets for the other person just to make them smile, the one where you don’t score up brownie points, the one that’s selfless. And through our time apart that is what I’ve been clinging onto. My mind keeps on going back to the night before he was ill where we went out for dinner and were so happy, it was a really special night.

So my man is coming home YAY.

A meeting of the minds

A got a text on Friday from Blueyedboy saying he was coming through London and would I like to do coffee.
So on Sunday we met at waterloo and had a few beers and sent him on his way.

It was really cool to put a face to the name (and msn lol). This means I can confirm, no he’s not dead and yes, he will update his blog at some point :-P

Saturday, 25 October 2008

The song mentioned 2 posts before

Boomp3.com

Closet bungy jumping

You know the way that you're shit scared of a roller-coaster but once you've ridden it the first time your just gagging for another run? That whats "comming out" has become to me. It's almost an addiction. Now that my parents are done it's like the worlds my oyster.

This weekend I'm on the verge of dealing with my best friends, which for me is a huge miles stone.


Some time people don't look outside the box. Let me expand. You don't see teenage boys going round having really heavy conversations with their parents saying " mum, dad, I've got something to tell you............I dont know how to say this.......I'm a heterosexual". LMAO. So why the hell did I have to go through all the stress of telling my rents that I was gay. Just a side thought.

We live in a world of predefined standards and, if we want to buck those we have to explain ourselves.
And for me, my bag-of-balls bucks all the trends in the book. Gay and christian. You may as well say I was born on the isle of sheppy LMAO.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Face the music and dance.

I'm writing this on the way back to Bristol on a very packed train.
I went to the pastors house this evening after work to talk about my role in the church and their stance on homosexuality etc etc.

Pastor Trev is what we're gna call him for the rest of the blog (or PT for short).
We chatted for quite sometime and ate dinner.



This is the conclusion of the discussion.
Now to be fair to him, he had done his research and read up alot after I said I was gna chat to him about it.


The first thing he was very clear about is that whether you're hetro or homo, sex outside of marriage is wrong. Which to be fair is my point of view.

The second was that we are all sinners and no-one has more of a right than someone else to lead etc as we are all sinners.

The third is that the bible dose not condone homosexuality.

Now 2 of these I agree with and the third not so. But there you go, agreeing to disagree is what I'm gna be doing with a lot of people. And this message wasn't at all delivered in a condemning way at all, it was delivered with love, compassion and humility.

The conclusion of all of this was to give it time, he had to work out where he stood on me being in the leadership, and when he does he needs to be very sure of himself so he can support me.

He was very clear that he had not made a decision yet.


So what do I take away from this. The first is that I'm fully welcome in this church, I can call it home and become part of a thriving congregation.
The second is that, if its gods will, then I will continue to be involved with, and potentially return to, leading worship.
So I'm just gna pray that God will be in this all and that his will is made clear. And that if God no longer wants to be a worship leader that I walk away with good memories and no bitterness in my heart.

So get praying chaps and chapets.

I think the song that somes it up for me is Surrender.
Click here to have a listen.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

New York part 2



The flight left ontime but due to strong head winds arrived on hour late. After getting off the plane we were the flight left into Newark but it still took us an hour and a half to get through immigration. It was bollarks.

Now I don’t mean to offended my American readers (cause there’s quite a few of you) but I need to vent a little rant (don’t read it if you easily offend).
Why the hell cant you manage immigration queues properly, I thought heathrow was crap but Newark and JFK take it to a new level. It’s security paranoia and to be honest, I think in the states the terrorist have won. The reason I say this is that I had my bag and shoes scanned just to get on a ferry, what the hell is that about its paranoia on another level. My apologies if I offended anyone but land of the free my ass. (pop up to Canada and see how they do it)
Rant over.

We got out of Newark about 12:30am and jump into a cab to the hotel. It took us about an hour 30 to get there cause various tunnels where closed and our hotel was on Wall Street.
Checked in at about 2am and hit the sack.

Woke up really really early cause of the time zone thing and so had an early breakfast and headed down to the ferry to see the statue of liberty. (I’m not gna go on about the security checks). To be fair the statue looks wicked, you own the French big time :-P

Monday, 20 October 2008

I like it

7 days and counting

I forgot to say, its 7 days till Mr C finally comes home. I miss him sooooo sooooo soooo much.

New york new york- Part one

Well after a couple of pretty traumatic weeks I made a mad decision at 3pm on Friday afternoon, that me and my sis where gna go to newyork for the weekend. So I looked at flights and got a pair with Virgin Atlantic that evening for £300 each. I just booked them flying at 20:30 that evening. I rushed home from work at 16:10 packed like a nutter and booked a hotel room all in 10 mins……. and ran for the tube. In the mean time my sister was powering down the country from the midlands. We both hit the tube at about 5pm (except she was on the other side of London). The tube was packed all the way out to Heathrow. I was the first arrive at about 18:30 and I stood their waiting for half an hour, she finally surfaced at 19:00.
By this point it was turning a episode of “challenge Anoka “ (or Rat race for you yanks :-P ) running round the airport and getting stuck in security.

Eventually we boarded the plane and sat down. Suddenly the sense of realisation came over me and my sis, “we going to newyork” me and my sis started squealing LMAO (like a pair of 12 year old school girls)



Well that’s the end of part one.
I’ll write some more later.

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Monday’s ambush

Sorry for the lack of update, it’s been a little busy (as you can expect).
So after the weekend I got a call from mum and dad on Monday at work “we’re coming up to London for a chat”. :-S
Now just to give you a bit of context, it costs £50 return each ($100) to get to London and my parents are not made of money, so they obviously meant business. After feeling a little jittery all afternoon at work I left and caught the tube to Paddington and met them under the clock.

We left the station and headed towards the canal and a small cafĂ© on the water front. We sat down and started to talk. We spoke about loads of stuff, they kept on asking questions and I kept on asking. We spoke about my suicidal moment I went through and everything, as I said, they asked the questions and I answered. They did keep on asking the question “are you sure?”.

Dad then asked me if I would be willing to give it 6months before coming out to make sure. I advised him that I had been through that already and that I wouldn’t have come out to my parents if I hadn’t.
They then said if I want to jack in my job and come home then I could. It was if they where trying to save me. Dad then said that you don’t need to deny your orientation, but you can chose not to act on it. When he said this the mist started to descend, I managed to keep a cool head “so dad are you asking me to be celibate for the rest of my life?”. With that came silence “I suppose I am”. Again staying calm “unfortunately dad I can’t do that, A: I don’t believe being an active homosexual is wrong and B: I need a relationship, I’m like a lost ship without one”.
In a firm way, but not rude, or unloving, or petulant way I said to them both “I think the understanding we need to come to is that we are coming from completely fundamental different places and therefore we will disagree”. They both agreed and repeated that they’ll love me what ever.
After that they gave me some name of some councillors that I could see, which to be fair is a good idea my is tres messed up at the best of times. (We’ll come back to those councillors later)
And with that we said goodbye and walked our separate ways.

I then headed to PingPong a Chinese restaurant with Stephe and got completely hammered of Sake.

The next morning I looked at the counselling services they had found, they where all “fix my gay son” services, I was a little offended to be honest. I know that all their doing is what they think is best for me and that its all done out of love but I still feels like their not accepting me. I think when it comes down to it, as manxxman said on my other post, I just need to give it a good lump of time.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Out i come

So what a weekend. I’m still in shock now and disbelief, it sort of doesn’t feel real.

So this is how it went.

Friday I went to work and threw-up (vomited) 3 or 4 times cause I was just a bag of nerves. Strait after work (in London) I headed the station to go back to Bristol (where my parents lived). When I got to buying a ticket my hands where shacking so much I couldn’t press the buttons on the machine. I sat on the train and just listened to my iPod praying and trying to clear my head. By the time I got to Bristol I was on another planet of panic.

Once got home at 7pm I found out that my mum had gone climbing (my parents weren’t expecting me home) so I had to sit with my dad watching TV trying to look normal. Luckily my brother had gone to his friends for the night to watch films. About 9pm my mum finally got back. We sat there in the living room watch some crappy TV program and in my head I was freaking out. I was saying in my head “I cant do this, I cant do this, what if they reject me”.

I suddenly just blurted out “we need to have a serious chat”, all at once I thought I was g’na pass out, so I gave them the letter and said “you need to read this”. I started to cry I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, it had all built up way to much. As mum read it she just came over hugged me, as did Dad when he had finally read it.
“There is nothing in the world that you could do to stop us loving you”. (by this point I was balling my eyes out).

And so we sat there for about 2 and a half hours just speaking about everything; about the last year, about Mr C, about my faith.

The next morning I went into my parent’s room and sat on the end of their bed. Me and Mum got into the nitty gritty of the biblical side of things and by the end of our conversation came to a mutual understanding that we don’t agree with each other, but that’s fair enough.

So with my parents there is one outstanding issue, they keep on saying the word choice, when actually its not a choice at all. But I think that will just take time.



Saturday morning it was time for my brother. I sat him down and explained that I had a boyfriend and that I was gay. He just sat there and said “well its your choice” and then went to have a shower. I get the feeling he’s in denial about it.



Sunday night I phoned up my sister (she lives on the other end of the country). She was great, she basically didn’t care (not in a rude way, but it made no difference to her) and she wanted to add him on face book.

So that in a nutshell is my coming out to my family. I seriously cannot complain at God about how it went.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

Im out

I'm out to my parents. It happened in friday night. It went well. I'll write more tomorrow. I AM EXHAUSTED

Friday, 10 October 2008

The whites of my eyes (its coming out time)

So I’m going home tonight to come out to my parents and to say I’m shitting myself is a mild and massive understatement.
To be frankly honest I’ve never been so scared in my whole life, its 10am, I’m in work and my heart is already going.

I’ve decided that I’m g’na give them the letter and let them read it with me there, I think if I try to say it I’ll just pass out.
All last night and this morning I’ve let the outcome play around in my head (trust me I’m trying to stop it, but its hard), I’m just trying to keep positive.
And then after I’ve done this there are so many friends to tell. My God parents, extended family.
Do I tell them all individually in person or by email, or do I just tell a few and let the rumour mill do its job, or do I just update facebook and let it run wild. The thing is I don’t want to offend people by not telling them in person, but I can’t take the stress of it.

Anyway here’s the letter.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m not sure where to start (or even where to
finish).

So the first thing I want to say is that I love you
both, you both mean the world to me and I couldn’t ask for better parents. You
are both real role modals and I’m always proud that I’m Chris Smith’s or Louise
Smith’s son.

What I’m about to tell you may be a real shock to the
system and I completely understand if you don’t agree or if you just need space.

I’m gay.

I have a boy friend who I love dearly.

And before you ask no, its not PD.

Since last august
life has been hell. The combination of coming out to myself, moving to London
away from my support structure, and trying to reconcile my faith has nearly
killed me.

I now have a boyfriend, Mr C, who I have been seeing
for 3 - 4 months and I love him dearly.

I can completely
understand that this is a lot to deal with and take in, and there’s a lot more
to explain, but lets just do this one step at a time.

I don’t know
what else to say really.

I completely understand if you don’t want
to talk to me for a while, or ever. But I will always love you and I’m always so
thankful that you are and have been my parents.

If you need any
counselling organised or want any reading material then just say and I’ll get it
organised.

If you have any questions then just ask me, I won’t be
offended by anything you ask me.

Love Dave

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Looks like I possibly have a church, maybe, ish.

There’s a church I’ve been to 3 times in London now and I’m really starting to enjoy it, an old friend from school introduced me to it. So I decided that before I get too involved and attached that I come out to her and find out A: what their take on things were and B: what level of inclusiveness is involved.

So last night I took her out to Nanado’s for “the chat”.
I start to explain stuff and she really paid attention and gave very fair answers. She herself was still unsure on where she come from with being Gay and being Christian but she still believed that everyone is welcome. And this is the score as she sore it:- A: Yes I would be completely welcome to join the church, they have a lesbian couple there already. B: She wasn’t shore weather I could actually become involved in leading as they’ve never really discussed the issue and suggested that I speak with the senior pastor.

So it looks like I have a place to be. A place to lead is another issue all together but we’ll see how that goes.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Germany

Again,

Sorry I havn’t blogged for ages. Iv’e been a little busy with life and work.

As you know I went to Germany to see my nan this weekend and it was really good. Shes looking well and slowly recovering.
When we finally arrived in Germany I picked up the hire car and got a 3.0TDi Audi A4 and, as many of you know the german highways have no speed limit. So I took that as an opportunity to drive as fast as I could (safely) and managed 210kph WOOT WOOT. I might be gay but I still have testosterone LMAO.

There’s not a lot more to say at the moment. Apart from I’m thinking of coming out to my parents this weekend, but I’ll see how the mood is.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Flat Spin

Why are we so human.
I don’t know If you’ve heard of the term flat spin, but its when a plane stalls and then spins on its centre axis, so the plane sort of turns into a giant helicopter blade. They can happen at anytime in a stall and have a tendency to uncontrollable and very hard to get out of.

The saying flat spin comes from that aircraft term, the idea being that we to such a point of shitness that we loose control.

This happened to me yesterday. I think every thing got to me. Mr C in hospital, Gran in Hospital, coming out, not being out, living in London, my job being crap and the weather topped it off.

I got home last night and just lost it. My plane stalled and the spin began. I just lay on my bed and started to cry. I think I’ve been bottling a lot of stress and crap up, and at some point that had to be let out. And if im honest with myself I’m pretty messed up at the moment and I should really find someone to talk to. I found Samaritans centre in central London so I may go and see them.

I think there are two things getting me down, actually theres shit loads getting me down, but the two main things are Mr C being in hospital and my so-called life in London.
Mr C being in hospital is obviously not his fault and it not him that I’m getting at, I just really miss him. I miss the hugs the kisses, I miss us arguing about stupid stuff like the number of horizontal pixels in 1080i HDTV (its 1920 by the way, he thinks it 1440 lol), I miss him.
And my life in London isn’t helping. I’m struggling to make close friends, I know it takes time, but I miss my crew.

So that’s me the endless rollercoaster of emotions. 90% I control them, but sometimes I just want to let it all go.

I’m off to Germany to see gran on Friday.

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Cancel the count down we’re off to Germany.

My life seems to have a general theme at the moment and its hospitals.

Last night I went into to see Mr C and it was really nice to see him, he’s looking a lot more like himself and a lot less like a corps lol. Whilst at hospital I got a call from my uncle saying my gran wants us to visit her in hospital in Germany this weekend. So after getting home last night for Mr C’s hospital, I franticly ran around airlines trying to organise flights to Germany for me my bro and my dad. At about 22:30 I gave up, I hadn’t stopped since 7am L

This morning I finally managed to get the flights sorted and car hire book. (I’ve booked a 155mph (250kph) Mercedes E class to speed down the German motorsways in hehe (they have no speed limit)).

So that means I’m not coming out this weekend.


Sunday, 28 September 2008

Mr C update. Ends and Beginnings (the count down begins)

Sorry for no update been a busy few days.




Mr C:-

Is still in hospital. It looks like it wasn't his appendix at all (how the hell they got that wrong i dont know). So they're still trying to fix him. I miss him loads and all I want to do is give him  a big hug. He's really board, and much that he wont admit it he's really lonely in there. If I had a magic wand I would make it all better.
He's sent me the most amazing text message on the train today that made me cry )im such a girl.



Ends and Beginnings.

This weekend was our annual church conference which was my last thing with my church; after 24 years and 10 years leading worship I have now left. It was really sad to leave, but flet really right, the new guy Ali who has taken over is amazingly gifted and has really picked up the baton.

And so the count down to coming out begins, by this time next week there is a good chance I will be out to parents and to be honest the whole thing is scaring the shit out of me.  But its time to man up and face the music. 




So my pray requests for this week (if you believe lol), first off is for Mr C, he's really ill and just needs a good healing. Secondly is for peace for me this week and discernment as to whether this weekend is the right time.

Monday, 22 September 2008

MR C update.

For anybody who's interested he's still in hospital and hasn't been operated on yet. He's in a lot of pain and up-to his eyeballs in morphine. 

I left him about an hour ago and he should be going in soon.


(If you need the back story read the post below)

Hospitals, heart attacks, hysterical takeovers, half a chance to say goodbye and a-Hell of a lot of Champaign.

Ok, so I tried to make everything start with H but sort of scraped the bottom of the barrel.

A lot has happened of the last 2 weeks hence the lack of posting. So I’ll start with my gran.


Gran:-

She has a history of heart attacks, shes had 7 so far until last weekend. Last weekend she had her 8th and it was a big one. To the point where the doctors thought she was going to die, so my dad drove over to Germany to try and say goodbye. Miraculously within 2 days she was sat up and ordering G’n’T’s. Only to then get a blood clot go back into surgery to have it removed. Then she was in intensive care for a few days and just as she started to look good she suffered a collapsed artery. So again she went in for major surgery came out and was looking god until Friday morning when she started internal bleeding uncontrollably. So she was back in the operating theatre again and they found a cut in her heart which they closed up. Now since Saturday she has been stable which is good. Shes like the cat with a million lives. Lol. I love gran dearly and im fully aware she has to die at some point and in her words “if I end up in a nursing home take me for a long walk off a short cliff” lol she has a great sense of humour, that line is normally followed by “I’m not going to die with those grumpy old bastards” lol.
So yeh it been a stressful two weeks because of that alone.



The Financial industry- (this isn’t a rant, this is my actual involvement in whats going on)

So as you may be aware 2 of the uk’s biggest banks are set to merge, well I say merge, the one beginning with L is taking over the one beginning with H.
Now I work for L bank and the words “un controlled chaos” could be a little bit of an understatement. I cant say what I’ve been up to but this announcement has some what shaken the ground under our feet.


This weekend with Mr C:-

This weekend I had a lazy weekend with Mr C and it was amazing. We just chilled and watched films. Didn’t even get out of bed until at least 2pm on both Saturday and Sunday.
On Saturday night we went out for an impromptu dinner. The evening weather was gorgeous so we sat outside. We had an amazing meal. As we where ordering food the waiter asked what we wanted for drinks; now after the week I had I decided that it was time to treat myself/us. So I asked for the wine list and had a bottle of campaign (laurent Perrier rose) it was lush. As we chatted away the evening became evermore special and as we finished our meal we got pudding in. By this point I was a little bit tipsy (half a bottle of Champaign does a good job) and asked for the bill, I also asked for another bottle of Champaign to go. Mr C looked at me and giggled. So the final bill came to about £230 hehe but it was well worth it. It ended up being such a special evening. When we got home we jumped into bed, opened up the Champaign started to watch “sex in the city” and passed out holding each other.


Hospital:-

I left Mr C’s house about 3pm on Sunday and headed home, got changed went to church at 5 and got home about 7:30.
Mr C phoned me up saying he had stomach cramps, after a bit of chat he hung up to have a bath.
So I thought I would give Frozen Steve a ring just to catch up and have a chat. Durring our call Mr C tried to call me 3 times. On the third attempt I put Steve on hold and picked up Mr C’s call. He was literally screaming on the other end of the phone, so I switch back to steve and said I had to go.
Mr C then phoned up the Docs and they said for him to go to A&E (the ER). Bex his flat mate took him down as I live across London from him.

This morning I woke up and tried to phone his mobile and another one of his flats mates picked up, my heart sunk for a moment thinking the worse, my head immediately start think “why is his flat mate picking up”. He said that Bex had got back at 6am and the Mr C was still in hospital having blood tests. I had a blond moment and forgot to ask which hospital he was in and so looked on google maps for the closest hospital to his house, I gave them a call and he was there. It turns out he has appendicitis and will be operated on today.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Friday, 12 September 2008

A place of safety

Sorry I haven’t written for a bit. Just been a hectic week.

Right a few updates. First off the old blog is closed.

Secondly I would like to welcome Mr C (the BF) as a reader. Thanks to a cockup by me lol (I left my blog open on his laptop) he is now a reader which is cool.

Thirdly I have also updated my profile on blogger.

Some of you may have noticed I have disappeared off of MSN i.e. I’m not signed on constantly. This is because I have now switched my Blackberry to an iPhone and I cant find an MSN client that will run in the back ground. Grrrrrrr.



Went to “Gay” church for the first time this weekend. (MCC in London).
It was a really interesting experience.
Let me explain;

I finish being a worship leader in my church back in Bristol in 3 weeks time, therefore I’m church shopping in London.
I’ve checked out various options, been to hillsong London, London City life, St this and St that.
Anyway, I thought this would be a good chance to go to a “Gay friendly” church; therefore I could be me.
So, I thought I would give one of the MCC’s a go. It wash just like a normal, semi trad church, but with Gay people in it who could be who they are. For the first 10 mins I felt a little uneasy, but that’s due to the conditioning I’ve had. When I relaxed it felt nice, like a place I could be. The music wasn’t my preferred style and the congregation wasn’t that big, but that all didn’t matter, it just felt like a safe haven. So am I g’na go there permanently, I’m not sure, but it really is a place of safety.

Only last week I had realised how the journey of the last year has exhausted me. I was chatting to stephe about it, and she was saying essentially I’ve been/going through a life trauma. Some times my heart just feels weak, and my panic attacks are just getting more frequent. But I do get this feeling that it is all going to be over soon.

I lay there at night just praying for a little peace, and granted, he does the job. But the whole coming out thing is just terrifying, And people say “just stop thinking about it” but that’s easier said than done. G day is just 21 days away now.
TLC is what I need now, just some to lye to me and tell me its all gna be fine.

Monday, 8 September 2008

letter

This is a letter I've been drafting. Not sure about it, but its the kind of thing I would write if I was gna go down the letter root.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m not sure where to start (or even where to
finish).

So the first thing I want to say is that I love you both,
you both mean the world to me and I couldn’t ask for better parents. You are
both real role modals and I’m always proud that I’m Chris Smith’s or Louise
Smith’s son.

What I’m about to tell you may be a real shock to the
system and I completely understand if you don’t agree or if you just need space.

I’m gay.

I have a boy friend who I love dearly.

And before you ask no, its not PD.




I need to give you a bit of history
behind this.
It started in boarding school with a guy called Kevin. Not a
lot happened we were only 9 and after that I sort of shelved it.

As I grew through my teens I started to notice blokes a lot more
but thought nothing of it. By the time it came to going out with Cath I had come
to the understanding that I was bi, and that if I just had hetro relations then
it would all be fine. I admitted to cath that I was bi.
Me and Cath breaking
up had nothing to do with this but actually completely to do with us. As I said
to you before it just all came to a grinding halt with her.
During my and
Caths break up I started a blog, which is how I met PD. He counselled me through
our breakup, from that we became best friends and prayer partners.

Since last august life has been hell. The combination of coming
out to myself, moving to London away from my support structure, and trying to
reconcile my faith has nearly killed me.

I now have a boyfriend,
Mr C, who I have been seeing for 2-3 months and I love him dearly.

I can completely understand that this is alot to deal with and
take in. and there’s a lot more to explain, but lets just do this one step at a
time.

I don’t know what else to say really.

I
completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me for a while, or ever. But
I will always love you and I’m always so thankful that you are and have been my
parents.

Love Dave

Thoughts would be great.

Friday, 5 September 2008

Gay, Christian and Shit scared. (written 3 days ago)

Well I saw the BF for the first time in two weeks last night, and it was great to see him, we went out for dinner then went back to his and passed out infront of a film. Man have I missed him.

Anyway, last night we were chatting about how life etc, and we got round to the conversation about me completely shitting myself about telling my parents (he’s not out either). He brought up the question why did I need to tell them.
A good question to be fair. But my answer is simple, I need to be honest with them, I love them to much to lye. I also want them to know the real me, not the fake me.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Comming out in T-minus .........!!!!!!!

First of all I would like to big up frozensteve who came out to his dad the other day. Good skills dude.


So I have pretty much settled on the 4th of October as the date that I’m coming out to my family. Just typing that sentence makes me feel so scared I feel sick. So that’s 30 days from today, or 720 hours, or 42,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds.
My palms go all sweaty just thinking about it. I had two full panic attacks this weekend about it as well.

As to how its going to work I still haven’t figured out yet. I’m not sure whether to talk to them all individually or all at the same time, or do my Mum and Dad then my Bro and Sis.
Do I tell them about the BF strait away, or do I give them a chance to deal with the Gay bit first. (My preference is get it all out of the way strait away).
Do I do it face to face, or by letter or by phone. If I do it by letter do I give it to them or post it. Do I wait with them whilst they open and read it or do I stay away from them.

Then there’s the question of what do I say; “Mum, Dad, I’m gay” or “Mum, Dad, I have a boy friend”.
After I say those words do I wait for them to break the silence or me? Do I (in my normal coping mechanism) make a sarcastic joke afterwards to ease the atmosphere, or do I say something tender genuine and loving.

Do I tell them about the last 12 months and what a roller coaster it’s been.
Do I give them literature or let them find their own way.
If they take it badly do I let them shout at me or do I walk away.
If they take it well do I hang round for as long as possible or do I give them space.

What happens if half of them are fine and half not.
What happens if they ask to meet the BF but he’s not ready yet.
Do I try and explain the faith aspect of it strait away or not.

I think someone needs to write “the complete idiots guide to coming out” lol. And the first step should be to “stop stressing” lol. But in all seriousness this is definitely having an affect on my health, and as the day draws closer it seems to be getting worse.

Anyway, I need to stop writing about it cause I need to stop thinking about it lol.



On a side note, I’m seeing the BF tonight for the first time in 2 weeks, im soooo excited I’ve missed him dearly.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

A new start

I’ve had to close my old blog due to a bit of reader intrusion from an ex.
It’s a good chance to start afresh.

So where am I now?

I’m Dave Smith, I live in England, I recently moved to London from the west of England.
I’m a committed Christian and a worship leader back in my church in the west-country.
I’m 24 and work in IT and Finance.
And I’m Gay.

“Christian and Gay?” you ask. Yup, that was the premis of the last blog; it was all about A: Coming out to myself and B: Reconciling it with my faith. (Although I haven’t full completed B yet)

In the last year I broke up with a long term girl friend, had one boy friend in Canada, one “thing” in here in London that never really got going and now I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 month.



So what is going to happen in this blog:-

Well I’ve come out to a few people in my life, but it’s the big ones that are coming in the not to distant future; my family, my close Christian friends etc
Other wise it will be my continued babble about life.