Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Cracking

I’m slowly cracking, I can’t take the loneliness any more, I’m struggling the friction between me and Mr C, I can’t take the boredom of work anymore, and I don’t know what to do. As I was having my shower this morning I just broke down, it all got too much. There’s something amazingly purifying about balling your eyes out in the shower. I knelt down in the shower tray crying and said “Jesus, I’m broken; it’s your turn now”.

My whole friends issue is becoming a big problem that I’m finding hard to sort out. Imagine it’s like the Job market at the moment, if there where jobs out there I would apply for them, but there aren’t any. In the same that if there where any opportunities to make friends I would jump on them. But like the job market there aren’t any. And so, like a job seeker, I have this feeling of complete and utter helplessness and that I’m out of my depth in life. I’m trying to make opportunities but I have very few feeds in:-


House mates:- Well one of them has no social skills at all, and we wouldn’t really get on. The other two are in completely different social circles to me and have already busy lives.

Sarah:- Has been a potential place of connection, I’ve been out to a few things with her, and I really get on with Sarah, but I sometimes struggle to connect with her friends.

Joe:- Was a great start, living with him had a good opportunity to get going. I got on with his friends in London (and me a Joe have been friends since age 12). But then he moved out and up north it sort of killed it completely.

Mr C;- I get on with his friends fine, we had a wicked night out on Friday, but I can’t help but feel I’m invading his personal space.

Work:- Is a dead end, they all live outside the city, have nutty commutes into work, and are at completely different life stages to me (married, kids, grand kids etc)

Church:- on the face of it they’re welcoming, but its never followed through.

So you can probably see my predicament.

And here is my plan of action 1. Change church. 2. Move house. I got all your messages about volunteering and I’m looking into it, thanks for the tip.

The last thing I want to say is much that there is friction between me and Mr C I still love him, And I’m praying like mad to God that he’s gna pull us through this. So is PD and various other people (and if you lot could pray it would be great). We have such a connection, and when we’re together its great, its when we’re apart that I fall apart. It’s my problem and I need to sort it out.

3 comments:

aron2631 said...

I'm glad you had a good purifying cry. And I'm glad you have a plan of action. Have you tried a de-stressing guided meditation?

This has helped me a lot:
http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=205

It's amazing how much it helps (and no, I have no ties to them at all), and it's nice that it has a faith perspective.

If that's too expensive, a less helpful, but free meditation can be found here:
http://www.themeditationpodcast.com/download.php -- you'll need to fast forward past the "ads".

Mikey said...

Any thoughts on why you "fall apart" when you're not around Mr. C? Is it that being alone is too close to being lonely?
Is there anyone you can talk to to help you sort through this?
Will the holidays help or make things worse?
I'm hoping and praying you can work this out. I worry about you during these low points, especially when it's been so long since your last post. Let us know how you're doing.

aron2631 said...

wondering how you are. Hope you are having a nice Christmas