Cancel the count down we’re off to Germany.

My life seems to have a general theme at the moment and its hospitals.

Last night I went into to see Mr C and it was really nice to see him, he’s looking a lot more like himself and a lot less like a corps lol. Whilst at hospital I got a call from my uncle saying my gran wants us to visit her in hospital in Germany this weekend. So after getting home last night for Mr C’s hospital, I franticly ran around airlines trying to organise flights to Germany for me my bro and my dad. At about 22:30 I gave up, I hadn’t stopped since 7am L

This morning I finally managed to get the flights sorted and car hire book. (I’ve booked a 155mph (250kph) Mercedes E class to speed down the German motorsways in hehe (they have no speed limit)).

So that means I’m not coming out this weekend.

Mr C update. Ends and Beginnings (the count down begins)

Sorry for no update been a busy few days.

Mr C:-

Is still in hospital. It looks like it wasn't his appendix at all (how the hell they got that wrong i dont know). So they're still trying to fix him. I miss him loads and all I want to do is give him  a big hug. He's really board, and much that he wont admit it he's really lonely in there. If I had a magic wand I would make it all better.

He's sent me the most amazing text message on the train today that made me cry )im such a girl.

Ends and Beginnings.

This weekend was our annual church conference which was my last thing with my church; after 24 years and 10 years leading worship I have now left. It was really sad to leave, but flet really right, the new guy Ali who has taken over is amazingly gifted and has really picked up the baton.

And so the count down to coming out begins, by this time next week there is a good chance I will be out to parents and to be honest the whole thing is scaring the shit out of me.  But its time to man up and face the music. 

So my pray requests for this week (if you believe lol), first off is for Mr C, he's really ill and just needs a good healing. Secondly is for peace for me this week and discernment as to whether this weekend is the right time.

MR C update.

For anybody who's interested he's still in hospital and hasn't been operated on yet. He's in a lot of pain and up-to his eyeballs in morphine. 

I left him about an hour ago and he should be going in soon.

(If you need the back story read the post below)

Hospitals, heart attacks, hysterical takeovers, half a chance to say goodbye and a-Hell of a lot of Champaign.

Ok, so I tried to make everything start with H but sort of scraped the bottom of the barrel.

A lot has happened of the last 2 weeks hence the lack of posting. So I’ll start with my gran.


Gran:-

She has a history of heart attacks, shes had 7 so far until last weekend. Last weekend she had her 8th and it was a big one. To the point where the doctors thought she was going to die, so my dad drove over to Germany to try and say goodbye. Miraculously within 2 days she was sat up and ordering G’n’T’s. Only to then get a blood clot go back into surgery to have it removed. Then she was in intensive care for a few days and just as she started to look good she suffered a collapsed artery. So again she went in for major surgery came out and was looking god until Friday morning when she started internal bleeding uncontrollably. So she was back in the operating theatre again and they found a cut in her heart which they closed up. Now since Saturday she has been stable which is good. Shes like the cat with a million lives. Lol. I love gran dearly and im fully aware she has to die at some point and in her words “if I end up in a nursing home take me for a long walk off a short cliff” lol she has a great sense of humour, that line is normally followed by “I’m not going to die with those grumpy old bastards” lol.
So yeh it been a stressful two weeks because of that alone.



The Financial industry- (this isn’t a rant, this is my actual involvement in whats going on)

So as you may be aware 2 of the uk’s biggest banks are set to merge, well I say merge, the one beginning with L is taking over the one beginning with H.
Now I work for L bank and the words “un controlled chaos” could be a little bit of an understatement. I cant say what I’ve been up to but this announcement has some what shaken the ground under our feet.


This weekend with Mr C:-

This weekend I had a lazy weekend with Mr C and it was amazing. We just chilled and watched films. Didn’t even get out of bed until at least 2pm on both Saturday and Sunday.
On Saturday night we went out for an impromptu dinner. The evening weather was gorgeous so we sat outside. We had an amazing meal. As we where ordering food the waiter asked what we wanted for drinks; now after the week I had I decided that it was time to treat myself/us. So I asked for the wine list and had a bottle of campaign (laurent Perrier rose) it was lush. As we chatted away the evening became evermore special and as we finished our meal we got pudding in. By this point I was a little bit tipsy (half a bottle of Champaign does a good job) and asked for the bill, I also asked for another bottle of Champaign to go. Mr C looked at me and giggled. So the final bill came to about £230 hehe but it was well worth it. It ended up being such a special evening. When we got home we jumped into bed, opened up the Champaign started to watch “sex in the city” and passed out holding each other.


Hospital:-

I left Mr C’s house about 3pm on Sunday and headed home, got changed went to church at 5 and got home about 7:30.
Mr C phoned me up saying he had stomach cramps, after a bit of chat he hung up to have a bath.
So I thought I would give Frozen Steve a ring just to catch up and have a chat. Durring our call Mr C tried to call me 3 times. On the third attempt I put Steve on hold and picked up Mr C’s call. He was literally screaming on the other end of the phone, so I switch back to steve and said I had to go.
Mr C then phoned up the Docs and they said for him to go to A&E (the ER). Bex his flat mate took him down as I live across London from him.

This morning I woke up and tried to phone his mobile and another one of his flats mates picked up, my heart sunk for a moment thinking the worse, my head immediately start think “why is his flat mate picking up”. He said that Bex had got back at 6am and the Mr C was still in hospital having blood tests. I had a blond moment and forgot to ask which hospital he was in and so looked on google maps for the closest hospital to his house, I gave them a call and he was there. It turns out he has appendicitis and will be operated on today.

first video post (recorded 2 days ago)

Reading list.

I've updated my reading list cuase I realised i was missing it lol.

A place of safety

Sorry I haven’t written for a bit. Just been a hectic week.

Right a few updates. First off the old blog is closed.

Secondly I would like to welcome Mr C (the BF) as a reader. Thanks to a cockup by me lol (I left my blog open on his laptop) he is now a reader which is cool.

Thirdly I have also updated my profile on blogger.

Some of you may have noticed I have disappeared off of MSN i.e. I’m not signed on constantly. This is because I have now switched my Blackberry to an iPhone and I cant find an MSN client that will run in the back ground. Grrrrrrr.



Went to “Gay” church for the first time this weekend. (MCC in London).
It was a really interesting experience.
Let me explain;

I finish being a worship leader in my church back in Bristol in 3 weeks time, therefore I’m church shopping in London.
I’ve checked out various options, been to hillsong London, London City life, St this and St that.
Anyway, I thought this would be a good chance to go to a “Gay friendly” church; therefore I could be me.
So, I thought I would give one of the MCC’s a go. It wash just like a normal, semi trad church, but with Gay people in it who could be who they are. For the first 10 mins I felt a little uneasy, but that’s due to the conditioning I’ve had. When I relaxed it felt nice, like a place I could be. The music wasn’t my preferred style and the congregation wasn’t that big, but that all didn’t matter, it just felt like a safe haven. So am I g’na go there permanently, I’m not sure, but it really is a place of safety.

Only last week I had realised how the journey of the last year has exhausted me. I was chatting to stephe about it, and she was saying essentially I’ve been/going through a life trauma. Some times my heart just feels weak, and my panic attacks are just getting more frequent. But I do get this feeling that it is all going to be over soon.

I lay there at night just praying for a little peace, and granted, he does the job. But the whole coming out thing is just terrifying, And people say “just stop thinking about it” but that’s easier said than done. G day is just 21 days away now.
TLC is what I need now, just some to lye to me and tell me its all gna be fine.

letter

This is a letter I've been drafting. Not sure about it, but its the kind of thing I would write if I was gna go down the letter root.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m not sure where to start (or even where to
finish).

So the first thing I want to say is that I love you both,
you both mean the world to me and I couldn’t ask for better parents. You are
both real role modals and I’m always proud that I’m Chris Smith’s or Louise
Smith’s son.

What I’m about to tell you may be a real shock to the
system and I completely understand if you don’t agree or if you just need space.

I’m gay.

I have a boy friend who I love dearly.

And before you ask no, its not PD.




I need to give you a bit of history
behind this.
It started in boarding school with a guy called Kevin. Not a
lot happened we were only 9 and after that I sort of shelved it.

As I grew through my teens I started to notice blokes a lot more
but thought nothing of it. By the time it came to going out with Cath I had come
to the understanding that I was bi, and that if I just had hetro relations then
it would all be fine. I admitted to cath that I was bi.
Me and Cath breaking
up had nothing to do with this but actually completely to do with us. As I said
to you before it just all came to a grinding halt with her.
During my and
Caths break up I started a blog, which is how I met PD. He counselled me through
our breakup, from that we became best friends and prayer partners.

Since last august life has been hell. The combination of coming
out to myself, moving to London away from my support structure, and trying to
reconcile my faith has nearly killed me.

I now have a boyfriend,
Mr C, who I have been seeing for 2-3 months and I love him dearly.

I can completely understand that this is alot to deal with and
take in. and there’s a lot more to explain, but lets just do this one step at a
time.

I don’t know what else to say really.

I
completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me for a while, or ever. But
I will always love you and I’m always so thankful that you are and have been my
parents.

Love Dave

Thoughts would be great.

Gay, Christian and Shit scared. (written 3 days ago)

Well I saw the BF for the first time in two weeks last night, and it was great to see him, we went out for dinner then went back to his and passed out infront of a film. Man have I missed him.

Anyway, last night we were chatting about how life etc, and we got round to the conversation about me completely shitting myself about telling my parents (he’s not out either). He brought up the question why did I need to tell them.
A good question to be fair. But my answer is simple, I need to be honest with them, I love them to much to lye. I also want them to know the real me, not the fake me.

Comming out in T-minus .........!!!!!!!

First of all I would like to big up frozensteve who came out to his dad the other day. Good skills dude.


So I have pretty much settled on the 4th of October as the date that I’m coming out to my family. Just typing that sentence makes me feel so scared I feel sick. So that’s 30 days from today, or 720 hours, or 42,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds.
My palms go all sweaty just thinking about it. I had two full panic attacks this weekend about it as well.

As to how its going to work I still haven’t figured out yet. I’m not sure whether to talk to them all individually or all at the same time, or do my Mum and Dad then my Bro and Sis.
Do I tell them about the BF strait away, or do I give them a chance to deal with the Gay bit first. (My preference is get it all out of the way strait away).
Do I do it face to face, or by letter or by phone. If I do it by letter do I give it to them or post it. Do I wait with them whilst they open and read it or do I stay away from them.

Then there’s the question of what do I say; “Mum, Dad, I’m gay” or “Mum, Dad, I have a boy friend”.
After I say those words do I wait for them to break the silence or me? Do I (in my normal coping mechanism) make a sarcastic joke afterwards to ease the atmosphere, or do I say something tender genuine and loving.

Do I tell them about the last 12 months and what a roller coaster it’s been.
Do I give them literature or let them find their own way.
If they take it badly do I let them shout at me or do I walk away.
If they take it well do I hang round for as long as possible or do I give them space.

What happens if half of them are fine and half not.
What happens if they ask to meet the BF but he’s not ready yet.
Do I try and explain the faith aspect of it strait away or not.

I think someone needs to write “the complete idiots guide to coming out” lol. And the first step should be to “stop stressing” lol. But in all seriousness this is definitely having an affect on my health, and as the day draws closer it seems to be getting worse.

Anyway, I need to stop writing about it cause I need to stop thinking about it lol.



On a side note, I’m seeing the BF tonight for the first time in 2 weeks, im soooo excited I’ve missed him dearly.

A new start

I’ve had to close my old blog due to a bit of reader intrusion from an ex.
It’s a good chance to start afresh.

So where am I now?

I’m Dave Smith, I live in England, I recently moved to London from the west of England.
I’m a committed Christian and a worship leader back in my church in the west-country.
I’m 24 and work in IT and Finance.
And I’m Gay.

“Christian and Gay?” you ask. Yup, that was the premis of the last blog; it was all about A: Coming out to myself and B: Reconciling it with my faith. (Although I haven’t full completed B yet)

In the last year I broke up with a long term girl friend, had one boy friend in Canada, one “thing” in here in London that never really got going and now I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 month.



So what is going to happen in this blog:-

Well I’ve come out to a few people in my life, but it’s the big ones that are coming in the not to distant future; my family, my close Christian friends etc
Other wise it will be my continued babble about life.